I understood clearly.

I am all these bad things and unworthy.  I am (projection) (projection) (projection.)

>>> The narcissist is trying to stick their sins on me. AGAIN.<<<

It was Not that my mother was an untreated imbalance borderline hysteronic alcoholic who was physically and mentally violent and violating toward the scapegoated children. 

Here comes the gasssssslight. The soundbite, whiny high-pitched scolding (medium)That wasn’t reality. (message)

[Hint: Not all messages coming in are True, real, accurate, or reliable]

“Don’t Diagnose! Don’t Judge!”  LOL  Nah I don’t listen to that intrusive thought and the guilt-tripping manipulatives that follow.

Because

I don’t want my amygdala hijacked. 

It has become that simple. A quick calculation.

NO. I don’t want that.  Sometimes it’s no, thank you.    

You have to know yourself to know what IS not For you. 

I know who I am.

Have you ever watched a movie so many times you know every single line?

(Aliens2 for me, a stepdad had it on vhs and just looped it 24/7)

Current timeline: Here is the issue, I’ve heard this con before.

It is a Con, [confidence artist.]

She was misunderstood and (enable) (enable) (enable.) 

my whole life they’ve been trying to convince me >>>> I am the one who made my mother mistreat me.

See how this works yet?  

Tug tug tug on the heart strings.  Obligation.  “Your heart MUST be open or YOU are BAD.”

(Stepdad’s 2nd favorite movie, Total Recall: “Open your mind”)

Yeah, it is kind of like… it’s an INVITATION and YOU can Decline.  

Let’s practice: No. 

Brace for the flood…  all that entitlement, frustration, blame shifting, and the ongoing drone of me-me-me-me-me-me-me “What about Me-Me?”

(Notice this is not a tool in your tool set BY choice.  You don’t maneuver that way. Too humble, too genuine, too honest, too decent, too responsible… all those beautiful virtues, core values, and principles …. That ironically are described as a REAL problem for the people bullying you >>>>to stop being that way so they can ego feed on you/take advantage/ get away with stuff)

And then say the classic line, “You are so selfish!” when you refuse to submit to their greed.

Later, sorting through the wreckage you find the PROOF. 

The Receipts. 

It all comes flooding together like a M. Night Shyamalan Reveal

all the real world, physical tangible evidence stacking up.

The cold wash of realization straight down the spine.

(One of the first DAZ3d self therapy works is a scene with my mother and a con she played when I was about 5years old, (faking fainting in the garden.)  In that flashback moment I had around 25years old, considering teach a woman how to garden… who had all the same earmarks as my mother. A full circle. I always wanted to learn how to garden and my mother damaged that. I fixed it, and learned how to garden, study, mentors, Extension Office… I learned how to garden so well I started teaching and building. *see my Thoughts on Plotting)  

It opened up this different perspective on Malingering, that became a firm stance against Malingering.  In an instant.

This is the opposite of the cold wash realization. 

It’s more like a warm beam, pushing your spine to straighten and head to left up.

Listen to your body. There are exercises (easy to find): you can learn to feel the tensions and chemical changes.

You get better training it up, less time lost in confusion, quicker recognition.

The Feels aren’t reals.

That’s why you let the biochemical flood dissipate before choice or action. So your resolution kicks in. Your resolve.

Pause

Let it move through you.

I know, sometimes it hits so hard… these big reveals… it makes your legs weak, stomach plunging so bad you vomit. 

You have to let the entire stream move through you.

Now … Here’s the antidote. The balance is in resolve. Know who you are. Know what you’re worth..

Stand up, feet firm, ten toes down. 

Principle.

I am enough.  I do matter. I am capable. I have training.  I can get more training. I know who supports me, and it never had to be the bully, the manipulator, the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, con artist, sister, brother, parents.

CUSTOM BUILT  !!

For me, by me, with the Senpai and Heroes I STUDIED. I followed. 

I let what Good people modelled shape me.

This deconstructed everything, every lame excuse and cop out unlikely alibi… it dismantled their game.  

How many times do you have to go through the set up, before you recognize the TRAP?

… before you really trust your “read of the scene”/ your intuition?

Replace the weak spots (malware) they installed (the guilt trips that worked before.)

That don’t work no more.  

“Clock that play.” 

Once IS enough. 

Not my game.  Not my gameboard. 

Brace for the presssssssures:

“People are going to know.” Blackmail?

So what?  I don’t lose the ones that really love me… oh wait.

“I saw….SoandSo…” (elderly weaker exposed vulnerable) coercion leverages people you love, not just you.

How low will they go?  Right… now we are in that” trust your gut” space… 

FEAR.   

Yank chain >>> cookie crumbles.  (fight/flight/freeze/fawn*)So that narcissist’s hungry EGO can FEED. Predictable.

HOWEVER

>>>>>with training… This is no longer survival mode, this is ACTION mode.

Trying to source my quotes. Most of them were messages for me while working on my inner child recovery.