I genuinely believe this motto.

I love being in a team >>>that actually knows how to be a team. 

I found it in clubs, sports, bands and among gamers. 

Not in relationships.  It’s kind of bizarre.

Right Hand: Brass section, fully on task, pivoting in unison marching patterns in uniforms on fields.

Left Hand: The boy/man I dated/married/lived with at the time.

How is it that >>> over with the TEAM I am Treated as Equal and relevant. My part is valid, understood and wanted.  I am appreciated and encouraged on a team. They have my back and are watching out for me, as much as I have theirs and I look out for them,

Not in relationships. How does it keep panning this way?  It was ugly and hard enough each stupid compromise I *had to make, shouldering more of their responsibilities, as they slip into less responsible behaviors.

*I need to look closer at all the “HAD TO” that were actually set ups.  Gimmicks… cons 

(Confidence) they played my trust against me.

(Confidence) they played my self-confidence against me.

Every time I lifted them higher I took myself down a notch in the imaginary world of their esteem-ation of me.  The constant proving ground.

What switches up in the intimacy? ….once they are through those thresholds of discretion?

Invited into the inner sanctum.

The exact moment when they knew I was bonded… (or cut off from outside support) 

They flipped the script and Out of Nowhere there’s all this evidence about my flaws, and inadequacies (as if I ever tried to hide it) (as if I could!!  Lol) and it becomes a daily campaign of one-up-man-ship, passive aggressive insults (“can’t you take a joke?”) feigned indignation/outrage over not even a MOLE HILL.

 (see what I did there?   Tie-in to the art-of-the-day.)

Not to say I don’t have Outside Haters. I’ve had a few of these. 

Influential people in places with (things) titles and such.

Egos so big they HAD to insert, assert, interject, overtalk, undermine, gossip, huff and puff … 

Once I (or Anyone) calls them out on their Conspicuous behaviors in public (where the flying monkeys are out numbered) it usually sorts itself quickly.   It’s so juvenile to imagine No One can SEE their hatred, sneers, glares, eye rolls,when they think they are subtle. 

It is usually I (me) who calls them out.  I have low tolerance for BS.  

Life is FUN without the powerplays and mind games.  

I don’t like being robbed of the moments that make a difference. 

Especially when the loss is to benefit inflated their egos by depleting and syphoning The Goodness out of every moment..

I don’t like when the high definition color drains from my world, in that blanding, grayscale of ambiguity with the edges all blurred permissive.  It’s in that drab fog of reason that produces monstrous quotes,“At least he doesn’t hit me” AS testament to life improving from the original toxic family template.

In a way, I have deconstructed each of the maladaptive programming installed by my original family, by testing their bad commands until they broke.

It played out one adult relationship at time. Test of my toxic programmer vs my self determination.

That treatment of me will never happen again. This last betrayal revealed and outlined the next series of learning intensives I will train in >>> until I develop a mastery.