I have been doing my annual report card, as I do every year when my birthday approaches, charting growth and changes from where I was this time last year to where I am this year.
November 2024, still in recoupment from getting my ass handed to me by Not one… but TWO hurricanes.
Right after… being told at 9 am the way I move when having nightmares kept someone else awake all night, when I had been on the porch since 2 am watching kitten rescue videos. [because the dream woke me and I was awake for 7 hours prior to 9 am complaint. 7 Hours of not disturbed sleep. Yet Hearing an invented scenario… hmmm.]
Right after … rearranging furniture to make my porch my bedroom…
Right after … the replacement fridge got stabbed.
I broke. (again!)
Not like I did in 2018 when I fell through the floor exhub3 Was Gonna fix.
Similar break.
A quiet little sound deep in my mind, a kind of high note tink. One note, like a child’s xylophone. Or when the filament breaks in a light bulb.
Ikr… I remember when
https://youtu.be/-N4jf6rtyuw?si=vlY2hktgZ6-7PYRk
2018, the M.Night Shyamalan Montage was everything every veteran has ever told me about accessing the VA’s medical >>>for mental health help.
I needed help.
Ready to call it and seek it out.
Logic override >> Brain space, escape strategy time. I was very calculated/ing in the Numbness.
This break in 2024.
I think the tink was a different note this time.
I did not go numb, or go into pack-my-shit-and-run-mode.
There was this ridiculous squabble over
dish soap.
I just could not justify it anymore.
Stretching myself so far trying to carry other ADULTS.
Yeah kindness/understanding/patience/self-sacrifice can be taken to toxic levels too.
M. Night montage 3 years of watching my bank account scrape through the end of month with pennies remaining. 1463 days of asking and not receiving.
I WAS Completely undermining my goals of Independence.
…with dependents refusing to stand on their own two feet.
It felt like fatigue, (dropping the duffel bag after a 10 hour march (daily for 4 years)) a strange swoon as the weight of a 280lb man child and 170lb MY adult child fell off my shoulders and the sense of “responsible for them” hit the floor.
Indeed I have carried that long enough.
In my head, my peer specialist Mario’s voice taunts, “Oh Chim has to rescue!! Always the rescuer.” His flaw too, the tease reveals forgiveness and similar affliction. Ironic the punch-line to most of my stories shared with him about getting Trapped, feeling helpless, and shelving my dreams.
I thought I was helping.
I thought they really wanted to grow with me,
(or let me grow….. ?!)
I thought we had the same idea about what Family could be.
[Retrospect: 20/20] lol.
The Pitch was not the Practice.
And
I’m nothing but the practice!!
Every day,
every step a fight against
the gravity of chronic depression,
trying to take me down,
back into the void.
I refuse.
I choose.
I am a Walker. Walking the walk and all.…
I don’t pitch, unless I intend to carry through, no excuses.
There is a logic grid here,
and shame when the math don’t math.
wants/needs/goals/drive < obstacles/excuses/cop-outs/apathy
One has to choose, deliberately, on purpose, with intent!
Choose to make the Goal greater than the Obstacles.
Best practices yield best results.
The love bombing just to play mind games/power games.
B.S.
And P.S
That is so Lame!
At some point the promise has to be made REAL.
Require a Delivery Date. DUE BY:
Yeah, too little too late.
Lost in the saucy F.O.G. of that big
amorphious ambiguous
magical someday
in the hypothetical future
with no actual plan.
Nope. Not given that no never mind….
not no more!
[yk… the grammar police are crying over that. ;)]
https://www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/featured
Anna Runkle calls it “crap-fitting.” Please give her a listen. I’ve been tuning in for a while, because IT’S SO TRUE!
We Make-do. We Make-lemonade.
(I got so good at this (mind warp) I used to brag about my meringue!)
Did we even ask for lemons? Weren’t we looking for something.. Idk a bit more peach, apple, or berry? Orange being citrus would make more sense when settling for lemon.
Notice how we’re always on the back foot??
>>> when these narratives coil around us, enchanting the acceptance of what we don’t actually want.
There IS a verbal component!
If you are Not listening, it doesn’t work.
Or even better Preemptively Prove-it-wrong.
It sounds like, “I don’t need.” (person/place/thing)
“I am not in lack.” “I’m not desperate.” “I am not starving.” “The world is not falling apart.”
I have the confidence and the skill set to assure myself my needs will be met by me.
And if not me
I know how to find the resources, services, and organizations that Help.
Snatch me up and drop me anywhere
and I will keep landing on my feet and figuring life out.
Even if that means me alone.
Especially when that means me alone.
Preferably me alone if the compromising >>> leads to carrying
(people/places/things) beyond my capacity..
And willingness. <<<< Oh that’s what’s NEW!!
I am no longer willing.
I figure, I am at least as smart as a grizzly bear
and my drive to find my forever home
is greater than Joey’s drive for salmon.
I want a life I love
And
I will train for it.
I will work for it.
I will fight for it.
Traveler Chimiru 
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