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Notorious teacher bite-r by first grade. Not a joke. I was feral. I was “held back” in 2nd grade for truancy. (The second go around I figured out that the “teachers edition” had all the correct answers. My issued student edition had them too by the first week.)

I got into fights.

NOT I started fights.

No. 

I climbed over people to get into the fights and square up the odds for the underdog. (carny kid thing.)

By 5th grade I started to get “what school was about” and what I was supposed to DO while there.

I tried. 

I stopped cussing (in school….)

I learned not to LIE (became very good at evasion and topic change/diversion… oh look squirrel!)

I joined girl scouts!! (skipping school to sell cookies, so that part wasn’t so good..) sold the most in our troop…heck the Troop and brass award for my sales from state level organizers.   I got a t-shirt and reprimand.  ijs.

6th grade was my YEAR!

Mrs. Sorondo was a NEW teacher and had not worked her way into the cliques/politics and clusters. So she had not heard about the family.  The son- so brilliant and obedient.  The eldest daughter – such a pretty little thing, an absolute doll with such dazzling eyes and so talented (baton/dance classes) BUT the third one she’s a monster and always stirring up trouble (shit-stir-er.)  Ofc teacher lounge talk is different from what they have to do in class… ((teacher talk?))

AND they are not supposed to catch me hiding in there

#1 that is where teacher editions are stored. 

#2 They often left cigarettes burning as they rushed to class-rooms before bells.

#3 is a bit more grocery list. Apples. Always apples. 🙂 

I might also add at this junction of my Parable, 

since there might be a lesson at the end.  

(I like stories like that!)

Potter Elementary home-room, after pledge of allegiance, there were contemporary songs played to inspire the students.

AND this is why I am writing this story. 

I woke up with this playing in my head (scratchy over old school intercom system (holding mic near speaker on record player) very specific sound.

“[Verse 1]

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody’s searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs”

^-.-^      Gonna interrupt here and say this wasn’t entirely true…

I found Heroes. 

Not just tv/movie kinds. Not just found only in book kinds. Not just in games.

People were doing amazing and heroic things around me ALL THE TIME.

(reminder carny kid impressed with gymnastics)

Even the first kid in the neighborhood who could pop a wheeler WAS a kind of hero.

Go on then…

“A lonely place to be

So I learned to depend on me”

^-.-^  interrupting again. I get the point being made. I didn’t have a family concerned about my needs. Based on bruises and shabby clothes most the kids as Potter understood that.  Like saying fish breathe water.

My point being made is do not under estimate the impact of being told daily you are loved even if it Only comes from Mr Rogers. He ignited the awareness that it could and should be something all children get.

“[Pre-Chorus]

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I’ll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity

[Chorus]

Because the greatest love of all

Was happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

Is the greatest love of all

^-.-^     Verse 2 same as first…

[Pre-Chorus] same as above..

And this is where I want to pause, “I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows”

So pin that and well wrap song:

“[Outro]

And if by chance, that special place

That you’ve been dreaming of

Leads you to a lonely place

Find your strength in love”

And credits:

[“The Greatest Love of All” is a song written by Michael Masser, who composed the music, and Linda Creed,]” 

Every student of Potter Elementary probably knew this song better than the school or national anthem

And now the tie IN…

Mrs. Sorondo never taught my siblings. Never a pre-judged&Dis >>>prejudice.

There was no towering genius brother shadow, 

no beautiful talented perfect elder sister shadow,

no malicious and bullying other sister shadow.

Mrs. Sorondo just saw a student.  A good one.

Never happened before. If I had met a teacher ‘s expectation -my elders did it better, if I behaved out of line – I am as bad or worse than my other sister. 

And the legend of the bite 

had not made it to that school or Mrs Sorondo’s ears.

Hold that feeling.

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^-.-^ Gotta add this little epiphany here…

Shadow work isn’t just about Your Shadow.

It’s the shadow other people want you to live in.

The weaker darker lesser self.

It’s the shadow casted by the oversized ego,

Shadow cast to hide addictions, flaws, sins… or what ever excuse they give this week, day… moment.

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That summer between 6th grade and 7th, my eldest sister ran away and made it all the way to New York City with a couple of friends(actress, model, Broadway dreams?? idk. >> too young to be part of those conversations.)

Devastated the household budget >> as it was used to retrieve her. 

Upon father asking unemployed mother and two employed teen siblings to chip in for utilities… Dad’s version.

“Can you believe after all that… deep sigh of exhaustion… that B4$74rd DEMANDED I get a job and contribute!!…” Mom version

Note the absurdity: My Dad was the “irrational” one, (according to Mom.)

Elder tox-sister dropped out, too embarrassed to return to school, sort of moved out (but no one can touch her room) and got her GED.  Bravo.

So my parents divorce and the “shared custody” aka grudge war begins!  Changing schools, houses, schools, houses, until I wrapped up what I needed for my diploma to join the Navy.

Girl Interrupted.

In retrospect the pattern is easier to see, my eldest toxsister and her influence of what was my home-life.

Yes… it tracks.

Both of my toxsister’s intrusions on my life have been the harbingers of chaos.

The end of life as I know it.

My divorce.

My departure from service.

My second divorce.

My mental crisis around, “what will They do when they find out?” and hesitating to launch my non profit.

Which brings us to >seeking treatment< and Now… our current moment.

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I used to think I’d be okay if I play it small.

Less collateral damage. They will go after Any and Everything that I love to tear it apart.

I’ve known this my whole life.

About the art:

Receipts!

People Can SEE the real me.

I only have these scraps of paper, because I hide it from them.

Of Course I HIDE everything I care about from them. I knew that since 6th grade.

Even if they SAW it… they wouldn’t see it for what it was. 

They see through self centered lenses.

My sister’s propaganda and projection.

In their rules I am never allowed to leave their shadow.

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I will.

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I think it’s time I let myself Shine!

P.S. There is no space in my life for people unwilling or incapable of letting me do so. No need to call or come by.

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