Woke up with this accusation in my head,
“Keeping secrets from you?” Absurd. Impossible. I am a wide-open book.
Reality check… yep working on a book!
>>> about my childhood, things I learned and how I adapted. A big part of my external hard drive is dedicated to the work.
Might say…
my life IS
my life’s work.
I promised myself my autobiography would be a pop-up book, with windows and tabs that you can interact with.
Couldn’t even imagine BLOG in 1983.
Kind of weird I am here … now… and doing this huh?
And I have most of my notes!
The therapy stuff?? It wasn’t Secret.
I don’t drop my trauma/drama upon introduction. That’s just rude.
I don’t mix it where it doesn’t belong.
I know I’ve outlined discretion and thresholds of intimacy already.
My hobbies. my art, my books, my blog about my hobbies, art, and books.
Yep. Checks out for me… I’m allowed to be here doing this as openly as I am doing this.
If you are having some feels about it, this is probably not the blog you want to read.
Hold on… I do have blunter instruments!
You don’t know my income, because you don’t sign my checks.
(Unless you do and that is a different kind of problem.)
You don’t know what’s going on in my home because
A) You don’t live here
B) You will not be allowed inside unless I invite you (vampire rules back mine)
C) You are not welcomed thus you are not invited.
You don’t know what’s going on in my life -> because you are not part of it.
You don’t know who my friends are ->because you are not one of them.
You can not call -> because I didn’t give you my number (or I blocked you.)
It’s simple really. Nothing to be all that Confused about.
>>>> Like MadLibs, we can just keep swapping words. <<<<
I’m not keeping secrets, you just don’t know me.
To do so takes a very long time, not a superficial glance and biased opinion.
You don’t know me …. like you thought you did. Your thoughts? Or someone else’s? a little peck peck, little cheap cheap, gossip?
Wait a minute… I’m reminded.
I don’t have any secrets. I had too many people/sisters in my life desperate to humiliate me with every grain of dirt they could find. Ignore the hoarding and neglect/sloth of my mother but hyperfocus on hole in my shirt.
When they can not find the dirt, the holey shirt, the horrendous flaw, too many people/family willing to fabricate a hate-worthy grotesque caricature Yk >> to recruit the mob/extended family/friends/co-workers for shaming rituals.
Too many people/haters who relish those rituals.
5 minutes of hate – the elevator speech, the foot in the door offer, the invite.
10 minutes of hate before the next rounds of drinks, around the water cooler, between the sheets.
20 minutes of hate – the motivational speech, the opinion piece mislabeled as news, bleeding leads reward/feeds the audience hungry for blood. Blood hungry addictions.
[Hint: Hate-full-ness is repulsive. It pushes (healthy/well adjusted/ functional) people AWAY.]
The secret is I am not supposed to see hate for hate? It’s not my secret.
It’s the manipulator’s secret.
I’m not supposed to give it away.
I am supposed to “play along” and “assume the position”/role they demand I play and I must play it on demand. Coercion. Pain and punishment is always implied. blah blah blah etc.
I am not shamed by other people’s fabrications. Other people’s assumptions, prejudices, projections, insecurities >>> Are NOT MINE and they DO NOT have to be.
These Opinions speak more about the speaker/hater than they do the subject/target of hate.
I know me
and if you want to know me,
you might ASK me.
Nobody else
is a better expert on me
than ME.
As it is clear I am no longer keeping YOUR SECRETS,
Let me ask, why were YOU so hate-full >> filled?
The subject/container is Filled. To the brim.
Over flowing.
Why are you filling yourself up on that?
Taking more and more in, and leaking — nay oozing more and more out… and how do you NOT KNOW this is repulsive?
Complain, criticize, contempt, conspire, contaminate, corrode, corrupt, control?
Why do you do that?
The people/haters you gather that relish this… suck it all up (slurp)…filling their containers and commiserating as social bonding…
Why do you imagine they won’t feed on you?
Just a matter of time before haters get hungry and you are in the “weaker” position >> Just like the people you usually target.
Sharks do get eaten in the feeding frenzy. Occupational hazard among the blood-hungry.
I’m not fooled by haters.
Red touch yellow. Rattlesnakes have rattles.
I see/hear/smell during the elevator speech.
It’s not the kind pillow talk that gets me between the sheets.
There is no speech that will motivate me to Mindlessly regurgitate hate, much less participate.
I’ve been in positions where I had to tolerate hate, haters, hate-filled and oozing.
I refuse to live in it, live with it, or include it in my life.
Hate is Temporary. Escapable.
Yes it’s ugly, but it’s their ugly.
Nothing to do with me.
And nothing I have to DO anything about.
People are allowed to be ugly. It has its own consequence, most obvious is repulsion.
Obvious but ignored -> the more hate-filled > the less space for love.
Hate is not my addiction/feed.
I tamed my sadistic glee in grade school
along with all the other kids
who were DECIDEDLY NOT bullies.
(In case you didn’t get the memo/coloring sheet/word search >> BULLIES SUCK.)
Like Robot pointed out yesterday, it’s Agency Based.
I have agency, which means I don’t get to be mindless.
I don’t get to use cop-outs like, “I wasn’t thinking,”
or “my (most underdeveloped and immature) feelings took over and my logic centers could not override.”
“It’s too much work.” “It will take too long.” (whine. stamp foot, pout.)
I don’t get to do that.
I call it Integrity.
Yk? Rules for my conduct so I can continue to respect myself. Look in the mirror, hold my head high.
Integrity builds dignity.
I don’t get to pass blame on someone else for actions I took.
I don’t get to convince people that I am helpless especially when the circumstance is something I actively constructed.
I don’t get to use >what happened to me< as an excuse to be horrible in the world or as an entitlement for things I did not work for/earn.
I call this Radical Accountability.
If you’re out here dodging basic accountability you’re definitely not ready for the next level stuff… you probably hate that too.
In effect every one who has matured (beyond hate) CAN SEE you are hate-filled.
All the grown ups know.
You are only fooling and gathering the immature, asinine, and hate-hungry.
The healthy well-adjusted people walked away,
as soon as we got out of the elevator,
swearing to take the stairs…
before walking in that trap again …
even if it’s 20 floors
…and it’s not leg day.
Traveler Chimiru 
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