Where is the line, for example between being sensitive, polite and manipulative?
I’m concerned you’re pointing at “sensitivity training” maybe similar to “diversity training” here. On that >> I do have a strong opinion most people are not ready to hear.
I’ve been to those training sessions. Didn’t like it.
I’m more of a Humanist. My search perimeters are more about what people have in common.
The sessions I attended “Recognizing differences” ….and creating divisiveness by 1. Polarizing, 2. prioritizing and centering people based on (historical) persecution of their Kind (not them, their Kind) 3. Changes the perception of isolated tragedies to a collective experience that is 3. (not reality based/ not fact) still happening and a pervasive issue for the majority of their Kind.
I couldn’t get past the presumptions, to get behind the premise.
This is part of the Victim Mindset.
People who are victimized have routes to legal justice and recovery.
Individual by individual it is their protected legal right.
By taking the justice and recovery routes, one walks away from seeing themselves as a victim,
We are called survivors on the other side. Survivors stop claiming victimhood as a long term intergenerational status.
Trauma is not intergenerational if people heal and teach their children better information.
Too many claws? Need the kid gloves?
OK… I will throttle back.
Sensitive is about reception, INPUT = information coming in via 5 senses, eyes, ears, etc.
Sensitivity could be like “trauma Informed” recognizing subtle indicators of distress, posture, fidgeting, averting eyes; behaviors and tonal inflections.
Sensitivity could also be situational awareness, as police and military are trained to heighten.
— reading the room, picking up on those nonverbals, intuiting what is going on. Threat assessment.
Consider De-sensitized, being un-affected, un-reactive, numb. Tuning out and not noticing.
As with abusive homes (workplaces) de-sensitize the victims to the abuse happening to them.
[I didn’t know how bad it was until I shared my stories with safe, healthy, people who were raised well. I still say things that were everyday occurrences in my childhood that shock people. It was just how it was. Didn’t know no better. Then I learn. Wised Up.]
It seems like the question on sensitivity might be about being in another person’s head.
Understanding what they’re thinking… to anticipate their responses… (manipulate = influence their responses.)
Humans (generally) are not psychic.
Knowing another’s thoughts is not real >> until and unless they EXPRESS their thoughts.
This was a hard one for me to learn,
because so much of what manipulation involves fooling the senses.
Overriding logic with emotional impulse.
AND this is a big obstacle >>> all the conditioning behind the scenes.
The little jabs that grow into insults, slights, smears, slander.
It grows… like snowballs rolling down a hill. Gravity works!
Littles lies grow into elaborate webs of deceit.
Small thefts eventually lead to bigger and bigger money grabs.
This is the manipulator pushing your personal boundary … take an inch.. Take a foot… take a yard…. Take an acre…
It’s a slow creep.
Slowly de-sensitizing to deception, threat, or harm.
Workplace Example: Ask a co-worker “how are you?”
They sigh deeply, and say they are fine, but the tone is not that of fine… It’s that of stress or overwhelm, or sadness. Something… ??
- You don’t know this co-worker very well and have no idea why all these nonverbals are being displayed. What do you do?
- You do know this co-worker. It is really unusual to see them in this mood. What do you do?
- You know this co-worker and this display is daily. You have asked directly before and lost 20 minutes of your work day hearing about how he is very miserable. What do you do?
My answer to all 3 is to walk away!
People can call me in-sensitive all they want!
This is manipulation.
You get all the Indicators of something they’re not saying outloud. It puts you in the position to interact with your assumptions (fears /obligations/guilt) about the nonverbals.
Direct and specific communication is a discipline.
This boundary actually creates more honest relationships.
Not just personal output, but also what you are receiving. That co-work choosing (public emotional display -dramatic performance) instead of words has maneuvered the target (you.) Took the bait! Now you hear…problem, issue, crisis…deep sigh… hoping you OFFER… if you don’t… deep sigh .. the indirect ask… “I could just use x,y,and z…..” deep sigh, wait for offer… and finally the direct ask, “Could ya….?”
I clock posture and choose an alternate route.
Not my problem, and I am not going to make it my problem.
Self containment —
Self control is the goal.
If it is too much and emotions can not be contained and they are leaking out, you should probably not be at work. Seek Professional help when in crisis.
Someone else’s emotional leakage is not your responsibility.
It’s their responsibility to be functional at the job.
Reality check: Established limits >>> work place has its own code you can adhere to!
I have read some office conduct policies, about “being at desk”… “doing work.”
Bringing drama into a workplace is unprofessional.
Reality check: You are not a counsellor.
(unless you are,
but it is not your job
unless you are in your office on the clock.)
Generally most people do not have training in counselling.
Check yourself… What’s the job title say?? Is this within your job description?
Have you had any training in emotional crisis management… at all?
Let me kick this one harder…
Your beer buddy that talks sports nonstop, probably doesn’t know how to help you with your attachment issues, train you to have better coping skills, or distress tolerance.
One more… Your toxic family is not who you seek advice from. Why would you go to the people who hurt you to attempt to heal?
My point was…. >>> You are not obligated to respond to what wasn’t said.
Noticing the signal doesn’t mean you’re responsible for decoding it and acting on it unbidden.
Moving on…
Polite is SINCERE, an outward expression, generally verbal involving manners and proper titles, but also seen non-verbally in action, open doors, hold elevator, allowing more space for others, chewing with your mouth closed.
Again this involves tuning in, and in some training learning specific customs of visiting cultures, example: knowing how low or long to bow to guest versus boss.
Manipulative, that seems sensitive or polite… hm…??
Yk…. I’m from the South(USA) Deep South.
There is a reputation for Southern Women.
>>> polite manipulation that seems sensitive<<<
That frames it exactly.
It’s a kind artform really…
Backhanded compliments: “You look good for a change.” “I wish I could just say whatever comes to mind like you do.” “It’s so refreshing how little you worry about impressing people.”
“You’re so brave for wearing that.” “I don’t know how you do it, I could never …be basic.”
“You’re actually really smart once you get going.” “I love that you just don’t care what people think.” “You look so much better than last time I saw you.” “I admire that you’re comfortable just being yourself.” “You’re too pretty to be this smart, it’s almost unfair.”
Mmhm heard it before.
That’s why…
I can find many lists of these manipulations and mind games . I had “188 Manipulation Tactics,” somewhere in my notes…I have little check marks .. Yep!! Seen that one, seen that one… THAT ONE fooled me, but not again!!
Hope that I answered the question!!
Found the Kid Gloves!!
Traveler Chimiru 
Leave a comment