There was not a divorce class for the adults when I was the shared custody kid.
I took 2 parenting classes, or whatever those are called. First divorce, no kids thus no class required. Second Divorce had a cub, so there’s a class.
(Lol my ex-hub thought he should sit next to me XD … and had the… utter lack of where-with-all to see the irony when he looks at my “score” and was surprised I got all the question correct and comments To Me…, “I guess you already knew all this huh?” >> why would he have a kid with a woman he imagined didn’t know how to be a good parent.
My reason: he lied.
He pitched family-life and played bar-life. I pitched family and played family, until it became a mother bear. Next guy (3rd marriage in case ya lost count.) pitched family played something else too…Separated in different geographic state my 2nd parenting class was really different in the post class parking lot information exchange.
What do We do if we are playing by the rules and the ex is not?
Information exchanged: and here I am with a pocket full of resources, coaches, professions, legal advisers, local resources (because I already started collecting local pamphlets and have favorited the channels that helped me when I had to figure it out on the fly. … )
One, Two, Three… yep that was 3.
Only ever been married 3 times. Only 3 divorces. I’ve got the paperwork!
[o.o] 🧾 Common Names for Divorce Parenting Classes
⚖️ Most official / court language:
- Parenting Class for Divorcing Parents
- Parent Education Program
- Parenting Education and Family Stabilization Course
^-.-^ … I guess I did ask, seemed easier than trying to figure out which notebook…
.. I know if I try to find it… I’ll see the dust, and … the dustbunnies
<((). (()>
… then the hunt is on! And the whole area gets dismantled and polished.
Couple hours later I will have forgotten what I was looking for… It’s a trap I don’t feel like falling for today.
Lets’ refresh the point of these classes is deter behavior that is legally abusive, to the child in shared custody…
…
That was your cue.
[o.o] 🧩 The 4 Core Problem Categories
1. Parental Alienation
You already remembered this one.
- Undermining or damaging the child’s relationship with the other parent
- Badmouthing, rewriting history, loyalty pressure
- Making the other parent seem unsafe, unloving, or unimportant
👉 Focus: Child’s bond with the other parent is attacked
2. Enmeshment / Parentification
(This one people forget the name of, but remember the feeling)
- Using the child for emotional support
- Oversharing adult issues
- Treating the child like a friend, therapist, or partner
👉 Focus: Child is pulled into an adult emotional role
3. Triangulation
This is the “putting the child in the middle” category.
- Using the child as a messenger
- Asking them to report on the other parent
- Forcing them to carry communication or conflict
👉 Focus: Child becomes the go-between in adult conflict
4. Undermining / Co-Parent Conflict
Sometimes called “lack of co-parenting” or “counter-parenting”
- Not supporting rules from the other household
- Competing for control or affection
- Ignoring agreements, creating instability
👉 Focus: No unified parenting structure → chaos for the child
^o.o^ Parentification and more on the shopping-mall-anarchist, got bumped. I am trying to put the building blocks in order. I need this piece, before the next piece.
[o.o] 🚫 Common “Bad Parenting” Behaviors in Divorce Context
1. Speaking badly about the other parent
- Criticizing, mocking, or blaming them in front of the child
- Even “subtle” comments like sarcasm or eye-rolling count
- Kids internalize this as “part of me is bad too”
2. Parental alienation
- Trying to turn the child against the other parent
- Making the child feel guilty for loving or enjoying time with them
- Rewriting history (“they never cared about you”)
This one is taken very seriously in courts.
3. Using the child as a messenger
- “Tell your mom to…”
- “Ask your dad why he didn’t pay…”
- Puts the kid in the middle of adult conflict
4. Sharing adult problems with the child
- Financial stress, legal fights, infidelity details
- Kids aren’t equipped to process this and feel responsible
5. Interrogating the child after visits
- “What did they say about me?”
- “Who was there?”
- Turns the child into a spy instead of just letting them be a kid
6. Making the child choose sides
- “Who do you want to live with?” (outside proper settings)
- Guilt-tripping them for enjoying the other parent
- Creates anxiety and loyalty conflict
7. Undermining the other parent’s authority
- “You don’t have to listen to them.”
- Contradicting rules just to compete
- Leads to confusion and instability
8. Inconsistent or manipulative scheduling
- Cancelling visits to “punish” the other parent
- Being late or unreliable on purpose
- Kids experience this as rejection or chaos
9. Using the child for emotional support
- Treating them like a therapist or confidant
- “You’re the only one who understands me”
- This is called emotional parentification
^-.-^ So This is important to know AFTER separation…. Anyone else see this as a bit of bad timing…. Like those Years before the divorce ( … thus class) Don’t Count??!
Here I am looking at every argument, me knowing the rules to Good Parenting and trying to get THE partner On Board… (cause it seemed like he was pitching it in the beginning…. ^o.O^
[o.o] The fur is poofing out..
Continuing…
🚫 More “Bad Parenting” Patterns in Divorce Situations
10. Withholding information
- Not telling the other parent about school events, medical issues, etc.
- Keeps them out of the child’s life in indirect ways
11. Competing for the child’s affection
- Trying to be the “favorite” parent
- Buying excessive gifts, bending rules, being the “fun” parent only
- Creates imbalance and confusion about boundaries
12. Making promises you can’t keep
- “We’ll get a new house soon”
- “I’ll make sure you never have to go there again”
- Breaks trust and increases anxiety
13. Overreacting to transitions
- Making drop-offs emotional or dramatic
- Crying, clinging, or showing visible distress
- Kids pick up on this and feel unsafe or guilty
14. Not supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent
- Not encouraging calls, texts, or excitement about visits
- Acting cold or dismissive when the child mentions them
15. Eavesdropping or monitoring communication
- Listening in on calls
- Reading messages meant for the other parent
- Breaks trust and reinforces “you’re not allowed privacy”
16. Ignoring court orders or agreements
- Changing plans without agreement
- Not following custody/visitation schedules
- Creates instability and legal problems
17. Using guilt as control
- “I guess you’d rather be with them than me…”
- “I’ll be all alone while you’re gone”
- Makes the child responsible for adult emotions
18. Introducing new partners too quickly or inappropriately
- Forcing the child to bond
- Letting a new partner take on a parental role too soon
- Can feel like replacement or instability
19. Speaking through the child instead of co-parenting
- Avoiding direct communication with the other parent
- Putting all coordination responsibility on the kid
20. Dismissing the child’s feelings about the divorce
- “You’ll get over it”
- “It’s not a big deal”
- Kids need validation, not minimization
21. Treating parenting time as ownership
- Acting like the child is “mine” vs. “yours”
- Keeping score instead of focusing on the child’s needs
The Bigger Picture
When you stack all of these together, they’re really warning against three core problems:
- Putting the child in the middle
- Making the child carry adult emotional weight
- Damaging the child’s relationship with the other parent
^o.O^…. and sometimes I dust because it lets some parts of my world have Order, stability… sanity…!
[o_o] Still poofed. Will continue, how about you go make art?
💡 Why These 4 Matter
All those long lists you heard?
They usually fit into one of these buckets.
For example:
- Badmouthing → Alienation
- Guilt trips → Enmeshment
- “Tell your dad…” → Triangulation
- “You don’t have to listen to them” → Undermining
🧠 The Simple Way to Remember It
You can boil it down to:
- Don’t turn them against the other parent (Alienation)
- Don’t lean on them like an adult (Enmeshment)
- Don’t put them in the middle (Triangulation)
- Don’t compete or create chaos (Undermining)
^o.o^ Crab Boil!!
[o.o] 🧠 1. Enmeshment (a.k.a. Emotional Parentification)
What it is:
Blurring the line between parent and child so the child starts meeting the parent’s emotional needs.
What it feels like for the kid:
- “I have to take care of mom/dad”
- “I can’t upset them”
- “Their happiness depends on me”
Common examples:
- “You’re the only one I can talk to”
- Crying to the child about the divorce
- Sharing details about cheating, court, money, etc.
- Guilt like: “I’ll be all alone when you’re gone”
👉 The harm: the child loses the ability to just be a kid and carries emotional weight they’re not built for.
🔺 2. Triangulation (Putting the Child in the Middle)
What it is:
Using the child as a bridge, buffer, or weapon in the conflict between parents.
What it feels like for the kid:
- “I’m stuck in the middle”
- “Anything I say could get someone mad”
- “I have to manage both sides”
Common examples:
- “Tell your mom she owes me money”
- “Ask your dad why he didn’t show up”
- Questioning them after visits like an interrogation
- Having them pass along schedules or arguments
👉 The harm: the child feels constant tension and divided loyalty.
⚠️ 3. Demonizing / Blame-Shifting (Subtype of Alienation)
What it is:
Actively shaping the child’s belief that the other parent is bad, unsafe, or doesn’t love them.
This is the one you remembered.
What it sounds like:
- “Your dad doesn’t visit because he doesn’t care about you”
- “Your mom chose her new family over you”
- “If they loved you, they’d be here”
- “They’re selfish / lazy / a liar”
What it feels like for the kid:
- “Why am I not worth loving?”
- “Part of me must be bad”
- Confusion, hurt, sometimes anger toward that parent
👉 The harm: this directly damages the child’s identity and attachment, not just the relationship.
🧩 How They Connect
These three often overlap:
- A parent enmeshes → child becomes emotionally dependent
- Then triangulates → child gets pulled into conflict
- Then demonizes the other parent → child starts choosing sides
That’s how things escalate from subtle to really harmful.
💡 The Key Difference in One Line Each
- Enmeshment: “Take care of me.”
- Triangulation: “Deal with them for me.”
- Demonizing: “They are the problem.”
^-.-^ Gonna skip the personal Anecdotes on this one… and put my fur order. Hit it with the Antidote!!
[o_o] 🛠️ Antidotes (What to Do Instead)
🧠 1. Enmeshment → Healthy Boundaries + Safe Reassurance
Instead of (enmeshment):
- “You’re the only one I can talk to”
- “I’m so lonely when you’re gone”
- Sharing stress, anger, fear with them
Say/do this instead:
- “That’s grown-up stuff—I’ve got it handled.”
- “You don’t need to worry about me. Your job is to be a kid.”
- “I’ll miss you, but I’m really glad you get time with your other parent.”
What you’re giving them:
👉 Relief. They don’t have to carry you.
Real-life anchor:
If you feel the urge to vent → pause and ask:
“Am I about to make them take care of me?”
If yes → redirect to a friend, journal, or adult.
🔺 2. Triangulation → Direct Communication + Keep Kid Out
Instead of (triangulation):
- “Tell your dad…”
- “Ask your mom why…”
- Pumping them for info after visits
Say/do this instead:
- “I’ll talk to your mom/dad about that.”
- “You don’t need to pass messages—that’s my job.”
- If they offer info: “You don’t have to report to me.”
What you’re giving them:
👉 Freedom from the middle.
Real-life anchor:
Anytime you start a sentence with:
“Tell your other parent…”
🚫 Stop. Replace with:
“I’ll handle that.”
⚠️ 3. Demonizing → Neutral Framing + Protect the Bond
This one is huge.
Instead of (demonizing):
- “They don’t care about you”
- “They chose X over you”
- Blaming missed visits directly on character
Say/do this instead:
- “I don’t know why that happened, but it’s not because of you.”
- “Grown-ups make mistakes sometimes.”
- “Your mom/dad loves you, even if things don’t always go right.”
What you’re giving them:
👉 Protection of their self-worth.
Important truth:
Even if the other parent is messing up,
👉 You don’t assign that meaning to the child.
🧩 When Real Life Gets Messy (The Hard Scenarios)
😤 If you’re angry at the other parent
Say (to yourself first):
“This is valid—but not for my kid.”
Then to the child:
- “That’s between me and your mom/dad. You don’t need to worry about it.”
😞 If the other parent disappoints the child
This is where people slip into demonizing.
Instead of:
- “See? They don’t show up.”
Try:
- “I can see that hurt. I’m sorry that happened.”
- “It’s okay to feel upset.”
- “That’s not because of anything about you.”
👉 You validate the feeling without attacking the other parent
🤐 If the child asks tough questions
Like: “Why did you guys divorce?” or “Why didn’t they come?”
Simple structure:
- Keep it age-appropriate
- Stay neutral
- Reassure the child
Example:
- “We had grown-up problems we couldn’t fix.”
- “Both of us love you no matter what.”
🧭 A Simple Gut-Check Rule
Before you say something, run this quick filter:
👉 “Does this help my child feel safe, loved, and free to love both parents?”
If yes → you’re good
If not → adjust
💬 The Quiet Goal Behind All of This
You’re building a space where the child feels:
- “I don’t have to pick sides”
- “I’m not responsible for adult problems”
- “Both my parents are safe to love”
That’s it. That’s the win.
^-.-^ Much of the bad behavior *see list above, I have few stories for each bullet point. First hand lived examples… you know what we forgot?? Shielding! Protecting the child -vs-using the child as a shield.
[o_o] Yes—“shielding” is absolutely one of the terms used, and you’re remembering an important one. It can show up in two very different ways, and the distinction matters.
🛡️ “Shielding” — Two Meanings (Very Different Outcomes)
✅ 1. Healthy Shielding (what the class wants)
This is the good version.
👉 Protecting the child from adult conflict and stress
Examples:
- Not arguing in front of the child
- Not sharing legal/financial drama
- Filtering what they hear so they feel safe
Core idea:
“My child doesn’t need to carry adult reality.”
⚠️ 2. Unhealthy “Shielding” (what you’re naming)
This is what you’re talking about:
👉 Using the child as a buffer, barrier, or emotional armor
🚩 Using the Child as a Shield (Unhealthy Pattern)
What it looks like:
🧱 Physical / situational shield
- Putting the child between you and conflict
- Using custody or access to control the other parent
- Avoiding direct interaction by hiding behind the child
🧠 Emotional shield
- “I can’t deal with them, you tell them…”
- Letting the child absorb tension so you don’t have to
- Leaning on the child to avoid confronting the other adult
⚔️ Conflict shield
- Using the child to soften or block consequences
- “You can’t be mad at me because it affects the kid”
- Weaponizing access to the child
What it feels like to the kid:
- “I’m the barrier between two forces”
- “If I move, something bad will happen”
- “I’m responsible for keeping things calm”
👉 That’s heavy. And it overlaps with:
- Triangulation
- Parentification (enmeshment)
🧩 How It Fits with the Other Concepts
- Triangulation → child carries communication
- Enmeshment → child carries emotion
- Shielding (misuse) → child absorbs impact
👉 Different angles of the same core issue:
Child is being used to manage adult problems
🛠️ The Antidote (Clean and Simple)
Replace:
“I’ll deal with this through my child”
With:
“I handle adult conflict directly, and I protect my child from it”
In practice:
- You speak to the other parent directly (or in writing)
- You don’t position your child in the middle—physically or emotionally
- You remove your child from conflict zones when possible
💡 A Quick Gut Check
Ask yourself:
👉 “Is my child between me and a problem that belongs to an adult?”
If yes → that’s shielding (the unhealthy kind)
🧭 Why this one sticks out
Because it feels protective on the surface.
But underneath, it shifts the burden:
- from adult → child
And that’s exactly what those classes are trying to prevent.
^-.-^ Guess that’ll do.
Traveler Chimiru 
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