I am an Admiral now. No longer Captain-Save-A-Hoe.
Yep. Sed it out-loud. Aloud is Allowed.
The train of thought and the original Quest-ion.
“Oh Charlene. She has to rescue everyone.” the taunt from my peer specialist. Surreal moment, having that mirror held up to me. The first week of working with him for the following few years.
Thank you Senpai I see my Mistakes Now.
That was the mistake… I thought I was rescuing my ex-s next target. I took a look at the man, saw the situation as exploitation and saw how precarious his life was. (me projecting)
The mistake before that one was letting my bff convince me that there would be a space/time for us. She had found her high school love, (and btw reconnected with an old boyfriend of mine.)
Nostalgic, maybe for a time with more freedom. OR at least more outings. Nah something a bit more medicinal…
I had been committed to financial restraints and a miserable man…
I wasn’t gonna give up on “US.” Until I was too broken. Beyond Repairing >>>the relationship.
(Not ME. My ass went straight to the Veteran Administration to seek mental health help.)
Retrospection there was no US.
[Reality Check: Most of my friends thought I was single mom-ing it. (through TWO Marriages.) People who worked with me for over two decades, >>> had No Idea, I had a husband(#3.) Even when I was resigning positions, returning keys, announcing my move, (So that I could be legally separated for the 3 months it would take to Divorce him.) “Wait?? You’re Married?”]
FACT: He/They did not participate, and resented that I would “try to make him.”
I admit,
A darker impulse emerged. (after the last break… trust, honesty… fidelity all broken by then…)
Taste of His Own Medicine.
Not Once, not twice, Four Times in the nearly 17 years of marriage, an “Ex-Girlfriend” Emerged out of Nowhere to instigate some DRAMA. First was the fictitious son, (that would have been the same age as mine) that died in a car accident… He cried. The performance was convincing. All the fathering things he wanted to do… blah blah blah. *
(Meanwhile, the biological father has bar life, poker runs, and strip clubs he’d rather be at than anything “family.” Evident in the irritation (lack of interest) almost every time I tried to host or arrange yk… family activities.)
2nd Time, His Wife wanted to know if they were divorced yet. Story spun, around he sent the money, she spent it… blah blah…
3rd time Time, ran into an ex at Dr. Office and drama might follow him home… internet drama apparently idk idc
4th time a … get this… foreign exchange student from highschool just got in touch… (opps must have deleted the message)… she has twin son’s named (insert his first name) and (insert his middle name) she says that they are his…. dah dah dah dum…
“Riiiight, gonna have to see paperwork on THAT BS right there! >>>>before this conversation moves forward.”
Was not…. NOT what he expected.
Note: No paperwork was present and highschool girlfriends plus fictitious sons POOF never brought up again… Weird.
It’s Like
THE EVIDENCE doesn’t exist?
I wasn’t supposed to recognize the game BY THEN???
Three different husbands played it…
Create drama
Get me off balance
Push boundary
I KNOW the play.
Toxic family played this:
It goes something like (if honesty were applied, INSTEAD OF passive aggressive, encoding, conditioning response and manipulations.)
“I don’t really like you or want you around other than what you can do for me or what I can get out of you.”
Of course they don’t say it Out-Loud. That would make it too easy.
They surround it with fluff and flattery…
Oh there’s all those compliments that would have mattered three years ago… hmmm NOW you have them? Oh… Now I matter….?? Lmao Stop.
UPDATE: Yeah folks,
I out-grew that con.
It would be helpful to ALL of us
if you stop playing that game now.
* Back to wedge conversation. They (manipulators) find a place in an existing relationship to insert the wedge and start prying the relationship apart from the outside.
Where is the LACK?
Lack thinking IS a manipulation Invitation.
And to wrap up the make-believe-babies story….
No one knew about this fictitious baby. Nor about the “girlfriend” or her “pious and protective parents”, not the pregnancy, not the birth, not the babe. No One knew >>> Not even the dude’s Parents.
And I’m figuring this out while holding his/my/our real baby daughter.
[HINT: Baby Traps work both ways.]
Make the best of it.
I was already trapped. Choosing a man who faked family interest over a man who would rather be with the club, or at the club.
According to the laws of Kentucky, I could not move out of state without the courts AND the son’s biological father’s permission. I wasn’t going to get permission. I was told.
Legal sentenced to stay in state until I got permission.
Reading, and re-reading the legal documents…
being told by self help gurus, and by popular/new age culture that
“Limitations are all in your head.”
Trapped.
Make the best of it.
I didn’t have a fall-back. Family of origin was a no-go all kinds of toxic and narcissistic over there.
(Uglier trap.)
And
>>> to really look at MY ROLE. I wrapped my life around my partner’s life. Their friends became my friends, they were the only people I knew, so once the relationship was over. My social world goes with it. They would make sure everyone Hated Me for “abandoning them.” See the spin?
I don’t try to “Get Back In” not with the friend group, not with His family, co-workers, beer buddies…
All 3 ex-hubs IMAGINED and one told me he thought I’d “come crawling back.”
The under-estimation….is real.
Their delusion,
Not Mine.
I forgive myself for being young/naive/unaware. It Was Not a Permanent State.
Find the lesson:
Part of the Wedge… having that conversation helped me see it’s not MY environment, THESE are NOT people I bonded with.
I wasn’t liked, wanted, cared about or if role applies I wasn’t taken care of, my needs were not met.
The Lack was real.
Sad that a manipulator was the first person who saw that lack and even sadder it was exploited instead of healed.
Again.
Also Note: Pass the Point of NO RETURN.
The same bff as above had an expression that Highlighted My Role.
She needed to get the “shit out her neck” all the crap and crappiness she had to deal with in regards to work and homelife.”
Receptacle for crap.
That’s how she saw it… That’s what I was good for, and why I am the best friend.
Hm… add former to title bff.
She wished My Kind (half the nation) off to internment camps and wished horrible death upon them >>> for not submitting to false authority, and/or refusing “medicine” that had insignificant clinical trials.
Figured >>>I am Dead to her.
When making public statements, accept the fallout.
I am Dead to her, >>>with all the Other backwards, uneducated blah blah blah
Yk… the hatred her and her Kind broadcasted nonstop for years and still claiming/pretending to be all love and peace.
(Remember the Great Purging >>all the zealots performed publicly >>> for LIKES (simulated) approval.)
Ironic that we were outsiders, and non-conformist, when we were young and we bonded as bffs.
Guess I still am.
When she started inviting me to gatherings with her (with the friends she Kept during pandemic) Yk ….to re-include me…
(worlds different now… come back.)
I would remind her that I am un-vaxxed and decline, as I know how her kind feels.
Parting Ways is Natural and Okay.
Don’t call me back from the DEAD.
I prefer My After-Life.
Less haters over here.
There is No going back.
AND
There IS NO coming back,
not after so much hatred has been displayed.
Thank you for showing us. There is no un-see-ing it.
There is no un-saying it. There is no un-doing it.
You can not un-ring that bell.
I forgave.
And I let go
So GO.
My future is something different with different people.
So far Cartographers !!
>>> who like talking about philosophy, geography, architecture, art, theology, world building, story telling, and BUGS!
Traveler Chimiru 
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