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“What a fool I’ve been.”

Love bombing their way in, and locking me down, locking out support,

locking out friendships, and isolating me. 

Then the mask slips.  It took awhile for me to catch on the first few times.

I used to “try to understand,” “try to explain,” “try to win them back,”

“try to be worthy enough to earn it back.”   

BTW this is toxic family damage, re-living the original narratives by proxy.

It’s as though I had been Conditioned to react according to this rule set, 

before I was an adult attempting to have adult relationships.

I had to learn about mirroring and narcissism. [Trainable skill.]  

I had to recognize how and why I assumed the role the abusers prompted.

When I was broken and playing that role, I didn’t see it. 

I was operating from a place of desperation, fear, and insecurity. [Victim mind set.]

Update: That is not my operational programming anymore. 

I don’t want to go back.

I don’t want to go back to being unheard, 

talked over, interrupted, and demeaned.

I don’t want to go back to being destabilized, 

sabotaged, distracted from the life I am trying to build.

I don’t want to go back to dealing with other’s indolence, 

never ending complaints, malingering, denial and neglect.

I don’t want to go back to dealing with other’s emotional immaturity, 

puerile impulses, (sex/porn/alcohol/drug addicts)

I don’t want to be with people who push my boundaries, 

take me for granted, use me, try to deceive me, 

try to pressure me into acts that do not match my integrity, esteem or worth.

I don’t want to be with people who treat my body/mind/heart/soul, 

like toys, or worse disposable. 

Repeating motifs in my life. 

In the acts (above) I’m describing 3 husbands and 3 boyfriends, who captured me and stole nearly 33 years of my life wondering why they don’t value/love me.

[Reminder: Cut the Why.  They did not value/love me. >>> Clarity necessary to make decisions.] 

I wont go back to ANY of them,

especially not the more recent ones who doubted my drive to recover and heal what was broken.

I wont go back.

I refuse.

I want my peace of mind. I want stability/security/safety. 

I want Real. 

Real love, real effort, real commitment. Fidelity. 

I want honesty, truthfulness and reliability.

I want to partner with someone who will have my back, 

who works as hard as I do to build a better life together, 

and speaks the truth even when it’s difficult, embarrassing, or painful.