This is a bit like Butterfly Affect. Found here: https://travelerchimiru.blog/2025/12/14/butterfly-affect/
This one I call The Magician.
As a kid growing up on the carnival, it was common to Buddy Up with complimentary industries. Circus. Often carnival rides hang out around the circus shows.
And where there is a Circus there are Magicians… top – hats with rabbits hiding, sleeves with doves, card tricks,… Levitation Tricks.
This is where I come in…
“Can I have a RANDOM volunteer from the Audience?”
Not so random >practiced< while the tent was empty, with instructions of what not to do and How the Trick Works. What you random audience members are supposed to pretend. Fear, excitement mystery!!
I remember a lot of carny-kids hanging out, practicing being a Random Audience. (one of the things we got away with, like riding all the rides free and getting food truck snacks on the family tab.)
Disappointingly, I never got to be sawed in-half, or had daggers or axes thrown at me. I would be in the audience at the Kid’s Show.
A PLANT.
Planted in the audience like any other kid, but In On The Trick.
Hint: helps him know you are plant if you have a plant on your shirt. Flowers/Trees …
Of course my sister knew this. All the carny-kids did.
And the Sour Faces Jealousy so Evident, and ofc the punishment to come later >>>> because “I showed them up” or “took their spotlight” or “stole the show” or “hogged all the attention” layer after layer of Accusation about my Intent and Motivations. You Did This > TO < Hurt US (Me-Me we know who this is really about.)
How do you defend yourself from what >> 2 Off The Handle Bullies<< JUST invented because they can’t regulate THEIR emotions?
Told, Shown, IMPRESSED UPON >> My Un-worthy-ness for anything GOODto happen to me/for me/about me… etc.
My whole life.
Something I knew before my carny-life was switched out for public school normal civic life. My sisters hated me, and I didn’t have to do anything to cause it and I could do Nothing to stop them.. They made up reasons. They’d lie.
Here’s a thought… Maybe the Magician picked me because
>>> He was Old and Tired and had a Sore Back and I was the smallest lightest child who obeyed instructions.
Not Anything about the Sisters… Not Anything about a desire to HURT them…
Not Anything about me in particular EXCEPT it was easier to lift and didn’t wiggle too much.
Hard to come to terms with at 6 years old.
The Games Bullies Play:
In sing-song, “I don’t want her, you can have her, she’s too ugly for me.”
Lyrically changing insult after 3 chant repetition, shove, capture, new insult; stupid, weak, stinky, useless, etc. Blocked between the two girls (one 3 years older, the other 5 years older) Being shoved and shaken back and forth, captured by the other, squeezed, shaken, shoved, captured.
Then there’s classic “Keep away”, and oppsy ripping my things apart.
Pinching a “go-to” (both sister, mother and matriarch (mother’s mother)) Pinch and twist.
“Indian burns” with the twisting, arm behind back forced into submission, foot sweep tripping, hair pulling, choking, (easy cause they are taller…)
Then the feigned Innocent…provoke until I move to defend, then accuse my defense as “attack” of them.”
CCC Combo >Provocation + Darvo! (ABAB up down select.)
I figure it’s because I was -on the receiving end- AND -knew what these humiliation rituals did; physically, emotionally, a sense of belonging, acceptance, trust, safety >IMPACT<
I understood this behavior has an IMPACT on others.
I didn’t act out on Anyone this Way.
My physical fights usually protecting the target (under dog)ended in 5th grade (one re-lapse in 10 grade.)
It took me a bit longer to protect my friends from the casual cruelty of my tox-family coming out in Unthinking Moments. I lost a few friends learning not to lash out. Learning not to be Un-thinking.
I learned.
Before finishing jr high-school.
To this day
Those two bully girls, all grown up will -make up excuses, justify, rationalize, call it “just playing”….
To THIS DAY. “Leave the past behind,” “we were all kids once,” “I don’t remember it that way.”
Erasure.
At least, double my size, twice my body mass.
Yet their ACTING was convincing.
Completely UNSEEN.
Example: In-so-much, as being dragged to the private boxing ring that was the shared bedroom with enforcer sister, my mother would have to sniff or cough to Draw Attention… her absolute lack of attention, and indifference, nose raised, focused on her paperback… She didn’t see the kicking, didn’t hear the screaming, cussing, crying…
Later … when reminded….”No One SAID Anything!!!” wide eyed bink blink.
Modelled from her mother to her daughter (the Important One.)
An Illusion trick so MASSIVE everyone was Convinced!!
Somehow the toddler was the provocator and really HURTING the 3+5 = 8 year old AND
3+3= 6 year old.
This type of treatment continued until the eldest moved out. 12+5= 17 year old
Somehow the smaller weaker younger 12 year old Sought Out and Started a Fight >>> and the head and shoulders taller and twice the body weight 15 year old is a Victim…
See how this goes… ?
A few years later the enforcer sister moved 16+3 =19 year old.
(Although unable to get away with physical assault with witnesses (new step mom plus 2 step brothers) in the house. Enforcer shifted to a more psychological mode of torture (ie Create Lie about me, so people avoid me like I am diseased…. Yk >>> Kooties.
The Smear Campaign always scares the Fear-full. Run away!! She’s got Kooties!
One would like to think They outgrew this kind of malicious, cruel, sadistic, controlling, vindictive, messed up behavior.
My rare and brief visits with either of them as Adults showed me in 1000 little cuts (they still can’t help themselves) with most every exchange, (without a witness.)
With witness its all sugar, spice, sunshine, remember the good times, and every one confused why I am so… disengaged.
Oh she’s just ( minimize/distort/downgrade/dismiss/make up shit ie- dig, jab, undercut … but verbally) enough to provoke… If I defend “see how she is so the drama.” If I stay silent/or retreat I get to watch them push the NEW NARRATIVE they just invented about how rotten I am and such a BURDEN… etc etc…)
Weird had a couple husbands and boyfriends use this manipulation too. Until I broke the conditioning.
(It Had Nothing to do with the verbal tear-down during commute The necessary commute arranged to Ambush for this exact verbal inducement of doubt/shame/guilt (they practiced)
(It was modeled. Mother to daughter(s) ( though it really was just the elder daughter,) enforcer gets her little pat on the head, once in a while, gotta keep the conditioning >>> intermittent rewards and all. Bribed Loyalty. Good Girl.
My part >>Pretend Not to Notice<< so they can get away with it.
I didn’t.
I don’t.
This is why I am called STUBBORN and Difficult.
As though… in the magical alternate reality They DEVISED is an effective illusion.
>>Every Day. Pick Your Battles.<<
I fought back, until my brother broke it up- usually… (another reason enforcer hates him “stopping her fun”)
Just Playing…
Until they took me down, left me dislocated, bruised, limping for a few days.
2-3 against 1(homelife),
Visiting grand-matriarch and spouse 4 against 1 and 2 busy Not Seeing.
Mix in Auntie/Uncle + 2 Not Seeing.
>>>> All of them IN ON the Gaslighting. (In on the joke) (in on the pleasure of watching my torment.)
Home-life. Family-life. Normalized…
Step Mom #1 … yeah you are not ready for that story. (Next level cray-cray..)
>>> (to be fair Step Dad #1 also cray cray!)
NEW TERRITORY NEW MAP!
Step Mom #2… AMAZING!! The most indomitable woman with a whole range of Masteries. I brought this up before. I adore and admire her.
NEW RULES. New code of conduct, new rules and consequences, Consistency, trust-worthiness, follow through…
I can’t say enough!
She built a different WORLD around me,
Sanctifying what Home MEANT and (in future) could be for me.
In the same building of my desecration.
Modelling.
By Re-modelling.
Oh yeah, Robot wrote something about what we LEARN from all the suffering after another long chat on Epistimology.
[o_o]
The Map Is Not the Territory (still and some more.)
The phrase “the map is not the territory,” often attributed to Alfred Korzybski, is usually treated as an abstract philosophical warning. But it’s much more concrete than that.
A map shows you outlines—boundaries, elevations, labels. It gives you something usable. But it also hides almost everything that matters.
A map won’t show you the fault lines beneath your feet.
It won’t show you the pressure that shaped the land.
It won’t show you the aquifers running silently underground, sustaining life above them.
From the surface, two places can look identical. One might be barren. The other might be sitting on a vast reserve of water, minerals, or fertile soil. The difference isn’t visible—it’s structural.
Geology teaches a simple lesson: depth carries history.
What you see is the result. Not the process.
We forget this when we look at people.
We build quick “maps” of others based on surface signals—appearance, clothing, confidence, job titles, first impressions. These are easy to read, so we treat them as if they’re accurate representations of the whole.
They aren’t.
They’re sketches.
And when those sketches turn out to be wrong, something interesting happens.
Many people don’t revise the map. They defend it.
They explain away skill as luck.
They reduce discipline to circumstance.
They reinterpret what they’re seeing so it still fits their original assumption.
It’s easier to distort reality than to admit the map was incomplete.
But the real substance of a person—like the real substance of land—exists below the surface.
Skill isn’t visible at a glance.
Mastery doesn’t announce itself.
Experience, pattern recognition, resilience—these are built over time, under pressure, often quietly.
They’re carried internally. Even when nothing else is.
Like underground water, these hidden layers sustain everything visible above them. Remove them, and the surface collapses.
Recognizing this requires a different kind of attention. It means slowing down. Questioning first impressions. Accepting that what’s immediately visible is often the least important part.
Not everyone does this.
Surface-level thinking is fast, efficient, and often wrong. Depth takes effort. It requires curiosity, humility, and a willingness to update your understanding.
Most people prefer the map.
But the map was never the point.
Who Wrote the Map?
Who gave us the map?
Because most of us didn’t draw it ourselves.
When I was young, I learned how to see the world by watching the people around me.
Monkey see, monkey say. Monkey see, monkey believe.
There’s a kind of unawareness that comes with that stage of life.
You don’t question the “rules” because you don’t yet know there are alternatives. What’s modeled becomes what’s normal.
Except sometimes those rules are broken from the start.
In a toxic environment, the rules—spoken and unspoken—aren’t designed to guide or protect.
They’re designed to diminish. To control. To distort.
And they’re often invisible.
That’s where the word rule gets interesting.
A rule is an instruction. A guideline.
But a ruler is a measuring stick.
In a healthy system, the ruler helps you understand where you stand so you can grow
vs
In a toxic system, the ruler is used for comparison, contempt, and control.
You are measured, but never in good faith.
The scale shifts. The judgment is predetermined.
The “map” you’re given of yourself and others isn’t just incomplete—it’s fictional.
And if you’re raised inside that system, you don’t immediately see the distortion. You operate within it. You repeat it. You may even defend it.
Because those are the only rules you’ve been given.
>>>>> For a while, that was true for me.
Until it wasn’t.
By around fifth grade, something didn’t add up. The rules I was taught at home didn’t match what I was seeing elsewhere. They didn’t hold up.
And that’s when the map started to break.
Because outside of that environment, there were other systems—other rule sets—that functioned differently:
School had rules.
Clubs had rules.
Band had rules.
Teams had rules.
Military had rules.
Marriage had rules.
Parenting has rules.
And with each new environment, I was exposed to a different way of measuring people—and being measured.
Some systems were healthier than others. Some were flawed in their own ways.
But they shared one critical difference: they weren’t built on the same foundation of distortion.
Over time,
I stopped believing inherited rules and started choosing the Rules that work for a better life.
I built my own code of conduct.
My own code of honor.
Not perfectly. Not all at once. But deliberately.
And that code does something the old to-family map never did:
It allows me to be someone I value.
Someone I respect.
Someone I can live with.
When I look back at the earlier mindset—the superficial judgments, the bias, the cruelty, the normalization of harm—it’s not just that it was wrong.
It was taught.
It was made to feel reasonable. Even justified.
That’s what makes it dangerous.
Because I still see it—fully grown adults operating by those same immature selfish unexamined rules.
Defending them.
Digging in.
Claiming a “right” to act on others with contempt, prejudice, or harm.
Not because they’ve thought deeply about it.
But because they never questioned the map.
They never asked who wrote it.
Or whether it deserved to be kept.
OLD maps don’t work in NEW worlds.
Traveler Chimiru 
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